reflectandbe

Being Connected

2011-05-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

Social media is offering an explosion of new ways of being connected. I am just beginning to explore what facebook, twitter, foursquare and linked in can do for me and my relationships. I come from a past where strong bonds were formed by meeting, sharing experiences together and being close to each other. Can I now form new bonds with people I have never met or seen but who have similar interests to me? I haven't done so yet but the possibility seems to be there. I feel like a lost explorer heading in to a thick jungle but with a sense of excitement about what might occur. What has been your experience so far?

Just a thought

2010-02-15T05:38:00.001-08:00

Just a thought is all it is. You can change it, deny it, believe it, watch it, follow it, ignore it or just let it be. You can do any of these in theory. In practice the choices are often less clear. Those thoughts that take hold of you, boil your blood, make you perspire, raise your heartbeat and wreck your sleep are so resistant to influence. They have you in their grip and will not leave you alone until their work is done. You know they are 'just thoughts' but seem so much more as they play with your mood and direct what you do. They present the problem to the machinery of your mind which will then grind out answers seeking the one to appease the thought riding you like a wild stallion under its control. Break free and throw it off. It can only rule you if you let it. Tame it yourself as you pick it up, write it down, look at it and call it for what it is. In the same way that now is all there ever is a thought is always 'just a thought'.

ps...I wrote this for myself this morning as I noticed some thoughts taking destructive control of me.

CIO, Businessman and Coach - Overcome The Language Paradox

2010-01-29T00:26:00.000-08:00

In the business community Businessmen, CIO's and Coaches can often suffer from the 'language paradox'. This can be stated something like 'if you listen to my language I can transform your world but if I speak my language you will not listen to me.' The businessman knows that if the vision is clear, backed up by a robust strategy, activity focussed on top line growth with well managed costs and correctly followed processes then performance is assured and success lies ahead. He is never really sure which link in this chain is not working when he is not where he expects to be but knows if he presses hard on each link the flow will be towards success in the end. When it doesn't happen for him again he moves on to a new place and tries all the same links all over again.
The Coach knows that performance of human beings is driven by the states of inner conflicts, self esteem, the different types of intelligence and psychological make up, existential anxiety, boundaries, resistance, needs and wants. She knows that each of these links in the human performance chain are impacted when the businessman presses on his performance links. Help the human links and personal and business performance improves. Harm them and failure follows fast.
This is the language paradox at play for coaches in the business world. There is a similar interplay for many CIO's between the languages of business and IT. It is played out every day all over the world with fantastic energy, conviction and belief. There is a wonderful clip of Eric Schmidt (CEO Google) giving the best advice he ever got on CNN Money http://money.cnn.com/video/fortune/2009/06/19/f_ba_schmidt_google.fortune/ . In it he speaks forcefully about the benefits available when he overcame the language paradox. He made it to CEO and then discovered there was yet another level of performance available to him if he could open his mind to the possibility.
To the CIO and Coach spend more time understanding the language of the businessman and how the language and links in your chain impact the links in his chain. To the businessman look inside and see how you are motivated and inspired as a human being and notice the different language needed to describe it. When Coach, CIO and businessman converse be open to the idea that if you can overcome the language paradox you will transform both yourself and your business.

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Thoughts on Being

2010-01-26T00:33:00.001-08:00

I wrote the following to my Gestalt class around the world and thought you might appreciate it. Nobantu is one of my class mates based in South Africa and this came out of a conversation with her. Enjoy it and let me know what resonates from your experience.

Len….

A little while ago Nobantu and I had a wonderful conversation. She inspired some thoughts and gave me some reading to do. I am also playing with a novel and there is a main character in the book called Ralph. A combination of his creation and where the inspiration from the conversation with Nobantu took me lead Ralph to think the following……..

‘Understanding deeply who and what I am is not determined by others around me or the environment has given me a great strength. Seeing the inner core of me and the beauty of life as a flame burning in me takes away all my anxiety and enables me to be. No longer do I have to win external approval by acquiring more or achieving goals I think others want me to strive for. I can now inhabit the island of me as a rich place of retreat with everything I need to be at ease with myself and the world around me. Every moment is filled with a joy of being and I need to travel no further than myself to experience it to the full.
To the normal person these ideas sound crazy or belonging to weird religious or spiritual sects. Since moving away from the merged state with mother the normal person is constantly seeking a return through judgment, approval, chasing a state others can give them or following those who appear to have got there. The break with mother is so devastatingly traumatic that a normal person can spend a lifetime using all the energy they have to put it all back together again. But all the kings horses and all the kings men cannot put Humpty Dumpty together again.
It is not easy to give up on this task of reconstruction. Our minds say if this, then that so we believe we must do this for that. Challenging that our minds might be wrong or that there are other ways is unnatural. Our minds have thought it so how do we get the same mind to unthink it. Curious people will find a way as they question, think, reflect, challenge and test how things fit together in their lives. Late in life a light may go on and insight rise to the surface. Others will get there through interventions that enter their lives or that they seek in their journey. Interventions from individuals who have taken generations of learning and are able to guide pupils to insight.
Imagine you are confronted with a wall you cannot pass through in front of you. It is made of steel reinforced concrete and extends forever in both directions. You notice a toothpick on the ground and believe this is the only tool you have to break through the wall to find the purpose of your life on the other side. You spend your whole life using the toothpick in all sorts of ingenious ways to get through the wall. Then one day you look behind you or someone makes the suggestion. There is no wall there and with no toothpick work to do life is suddenly filled with the pleasure of experiencing who and where you are. Now those in the know understand there is nothing worth having beyond the wall. Nothing. It was always a mirage you will never reach. It kept you busy with purpose but distracted you from seeing all along that everything you ever wanted was right there within you. Open your eyes and you will see.’

Now I am intrigued to know more about Ralph’s thoughts as they unfold…..but that is for another day. Nobantu….thankyou for the conversation and inspiration.

Conquering Anxiety

2010-01-25T04:45:00.000-08:00

Everyone suffers from anxiety at some time. Human minds are designed to judge differences and changes but are limited by the interpretation of the information their senses provid to them. This creates uncertainty which we attempt to overcome by filling in what we do not know with assumptions. Anxiety arises from the difference between what is and what we would like it to be. One way of conquering anxiety is to look more deeply at each of these perspectives. Look at 'what is' first and question if there are some equally true realities that are more useful for you. There usually are. What your mind chooses to tell you 'is' may not be the best for you. Test it. Then look at 'what you would like it to be' and question if that is what you really want. Is there something else that is equally acceptable to you? There often will be. In every moment there is great potential for alignement of 'what is' with 'what we want'. When you do not see it take another look and keep looking until you see what is right for you.

Achieving Harmony

2010-01-24T00:59:00.000-08:00

Acheiving harmony is such a big challenge for human beings. Those rare moments when we are at ease with ourselves and the environment we are in refresh us and put a special glow on living. There are two ideas to reflect on to give us more of these moments. The first is the idea of noticing. It sounds easy but so few of us do it. We often experience anxiety, anger, sadness, happiness, tiredness, hunger, frustration and so many other feelings in an automatic flow of not noticing. Noticing what you are experiencing is a first step towards achieving harmony. If you notice it, describe it, stand back from it and look at it, see what you do and don't understand about it and let some time pass with this noticing you will gain great insight. As with any exercise you get better at this the more you do it. You will get to a state when you can say to yourself 'I notice that I am angry and the characteristics of this anger are x, y and z and I can choose to keep this anger or to let it go.' Try this and see what it does for you. Notice.

The second idea is to be interested in yourself. Much of our dissatisfaction in the world is related to conflicts taking place within ourselves. We find it easier to blame the environment or someone else but very often we avoid looking at what is going on inside ourselves. I do this, most people do this and you probably do too. When you notice an experience, in particular one you don't like, explore what it is telling you about yourself. If you can't do or have something and you believe it is because of someone else look inside to see if there is something you are avoiding. Often you will be and you will have to look hard to see it to overcome our own very clever mechanisms for blaming others over taking responsibility for what you avoid yourself. The wonderful gift of this idea is that once you discover that it is something going on inside you that is causing you problems you then have total control on fixing it. It might be tough and require commitment but the outcome will often be better than the false pleasure you get from blaming someone or something else?

What do you think? Does this make sense and what does it raise for you?

Is Your Story True?

2010-01-11T03:46:00.000-08:00

You have taken control of the pen and it now writes freely in your hand or the hand of authors you choose. Your story unfolds and shapes the way you feel, think and act. If you love reading it then carry on writing and enjoy each chapter about the great journey you are on. You will feel great, bathe in your thoughts and do some wonderful things. Read no further here. But what can you do if it doesn't quite feel right? If it doesn't feel good it is time to take a look and see if your story is true. After all it is only a story and it if it is not a good one perhaps there is a better one for you. Every story is made up of a combination of facts and assumptions. Very often there is very little fact and the interpretations and assumptions you make are the cause of your anxiety or dissatisfaction. To write a better story for you seperate out the facts and assumptions of your current story. Look at the facts and ask if those that do not help you need to be used. If not then take them out or replace them with more useful facts for you. You can do the same with assumptions and take one more step. An assumption is just one way of interpreting the world. There are so many more to choose from so pick the best one for you. Weed out unhelpful facts and assumptions and plant new and helpful ones for your growth and development. Remember today can be wonderful or woeful through the assumptions you make as you live it.

Your Story for 2010

2010-01-02T23:36:00.000-08:00

The success you achieve in 2010 will depend on the story you tell yourself about yourself. The pen that writes this story will on occasions be in your hand and at other times in the hands of others. One of the most important interventions you can make to ensure the best success for you in 2010 is for you to control the pen at all times. If you give it without thought to your boss, partner, friend or opponent they will write what is good for them and this may or may not be good for you. If you decide what will be written and who will write it then the story written will be good for you and contribute to your growth and fulfillment. But beware the dilemma you are faced with. Giving the pen freely to others is so much easier and natural to us than keeping it in your own hand or choosing who you give it to. Accepting you can't get the promotion you want is down to your boss or you can't have the work life balance you prefer because of your partners needs is so much easier than considering your own role in getting the outcomes you want. Give up the pen and you watch life go by as others are allowed to insert paragraphs and chapters in your story. Hold the pen and face the big challenges this will raise for you and you will be confronted with some exciting and difficult choices that will open up a new world of possibilities for you. Allow yourself to face these choices to shape the future you want. Think about this. What you do today can be an increment on where you finished yesterday or it can be a move made by you in the direction you really wish to travel. You can let the pen write wherever it is or you can grab it and set your own path. Write a great story and make sure it is the one you want to tell.

What's that?

2009-12-23T13:31:00.001-08:00

A lot of noise between two silences is how Isabelle Allende refers to the time between birth and death. Who am I and what is it all about wander round our minds throughout this noise. All there is is now is confused by what has gone before and what is yet to come. The filter of judgement feeding our emotions and letting us know if what we are experiencing is good or bad. We cycle through purpose and wondering what is the point with no real understanding of how we shift from one to the other. All of us spending time thinking there must be a better state than we are currently in. Leo my two year old grandson says all the time now 'what's that?' nods approvingly if the answer makes sense and looks quizzically if it doesn't quite fit. I love the phrase and wish there was someone to answer the question for me with more than fifty years behind me. What is it all about?
Some things are clear. We are here to perpetuate our species and improve its ability to survive in the environments of the day. Survival and reproduction are two of the objectives of the human organism. Survival is a tricky business with the requirement of a very limited range of atmospheres and environments that can sustain us. Change the quality of our air or move our body temperature outside a 5 deg range and we struggle. Most of the survival job is done automatically with our bodily systems bringing our heartbeat, blood pressure, temperature and physiology back in to balance when they go astray. This all happens below the surface with little or no participation by our conscious mind. Then there is the conscious layer contributing to the task. There are debates that will run awhile about the role it plays in volition. In one camp Libet and his followers seeing the conscious layer as a post event rationalisation of what occurred to file a memory of understanding for future survival tasks. The other camp Wegner seeing it as the instrument of free will and our ability to choose what we are going to do. Experientially it is the most present with over 60,000 thoughts a day whizzing round our minds, analysing, judging, learning and deciding. The two camps deep in conversation about the role of the conscious layer in any decision made. I think I can live with either argument being true. If my unconscious mind has actually made the decision before I consciously think about it I should be ok with that as it controls most of the important physiological decisions for my survival. If it is my conscious mind in control there is some comfort there also as it consumes so much of my waking time. It would be good to know which one is true as it would allow us to increase the enjoyment of the good aspects of being conscious.
Reproduction presents its own challenges. Floods of estrogen and testosterone course through our bodies in cycles driving us to take the species forward. Moods, misunderstandings, orgasm, moral questions and societal norms all fed by this pre programmed cocktail mix. The interaction of these chemical balances with the conscious and unconscious mind determining how we feel at any moment in time. The problem for us is we do not understand the formula for this brew. We experience the state as frustration, anger, pleasure, happiness or some other emotion and boy do we feel it. Whatever the feeling we then need to explain it and create all sorts of stories to find a reason. These are at the heart of many of our unhappiest moments as we explain away an internal chemical recipe by having a go at ourselves for something we have done. The reality is probably something else and we feel as we do because of the current chemical balance we hold.
It could all be about the life of a plant. We respond to the environment seeking sunshine, salt, water, air and sustenance growing roots, leaves and moving towards helpful stimulus and away from harm. Buddhist advice to see our thoughts as just that and a route to something better could be so wise. The natural processes of the mind fight or question this idea as it searches for meaning and gives its quizzical look when dissatisfied with the answer to 'what's that?'.

Reflections on a Rumi Poem (3)

2009-12-18T02:52:00.000-08:00

We are bound together.
I am the ground
You are the step.
How unfair is this Love?
I can see Your world
but You I cannot

I like this notion of being bound together with something I think of as good. I and you interplay with the thought of being bound. Being grounded is something I want to be so I relate positively to the idea of being the ground and step gives the idea of stepping up to something higher. The answer to the question could be not unfair at all or unfair. If we are bound together and You are part of me and I am part of You then it makes little sense to want something different. So the love is fair. If You and me are the same but different and judgement comes in to play then maybe there is unfairness. I sit more easily with the first interpretation and see a fair Love. If I can see Your world but You I cannot then that feels good as part of a journey to something better.

Reflections on a Rumi Poem (2)

2009-12-14T01:58:00.000-08:00

First, he tempted me
with infinite caresses.
He burnt me in the end
with pain and sorrow.
In this game of chess
I had to lose myself
in order to win him

My thoughts run round this poem seeking meaning. I am drawn in to the idea of being tempted in to something I want. The infinite caresses are touching me and inviting me towards something desirable. These could be promises people make about the power of harmony of self with environment and self with self (or realisation of no self) or some other form of enlightenment. I recoil at the idea of being burnt with pain and sorrow in the end. It gives me an image of moth attracted to the bright light of a flame and then burnt as it lands on the flame. Chess conjures up openings, mid game and end game and the poem suggests the early parts of the game are more enjoyable than the end. I am seeking to find a desirable aspect of the pain and sorrow but it does not come. Losing myself and giving up ego to attain enlightenment is the advice. Does this mean if I do so I end up with pain and sorrow? This idea clearly bothers me. I am bothered by ‘burnt’, ‘end’ and ‘pain and sorrow’. There is something going on in me that does seek a better state and so I show interest when people tell me they have found it. Losing a self to win him makes some sense from the reading I have done but is still an idea floating in and out of the mist ahead. I am left wondering what the poem is telling me. Is it hinting the journey is not worth it or is it hinting at some use of being burnt with pain and sorrow? I will come back to this one another day.

Reflections on Rumi Poems

2009-12-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Heart, where do you find

the courage to seek the Beloved

when you know He has annihilated

so many like you before?

I do not care, said my heart,

my only wish is to become

one with the Beloved

When I first read this I am struck by the questions it raises for me. What or who is the Beloved for me and what is my heart? The first insight that hits me is the notion of heart and Beloved being one and the idea of not caring how this comes about. As I think about it some more the Beloved for me could be attaining peace with the world and being totally comfortable with who and where I am. The heart is my compassionate self that is in some way separate from my thinking me. Now I notice the word annihilated and wonder at the thought that so many have sought enlightenment and failed. So I could be asking why my heart seeks this solace when my thinking self sees the likelihood of failure. I like the response of my heart and wish I could learn how he does this. As I write this I feel like I am in a riddle of the selves. I want to let my heart become one with the Beloved but always tussle with my thoughts asking how and throwing his obstacles in my way. It occurs to me that so many are annihilated by themselves. Although paradoxical the view of the Beloved as a state of self allows this tautology or conundrum as we both allow the conditions for success but are also the main obstacle. It now rests with me that becoming one with the Beloved is about allowing myself to be. Don’t question, challenge or rate the odds just allow myself to be and follow where my wish takes me.

Parallels Between Gestalt and NonViolent Communication (NVC)

2009-12-03T01:41:00.000-08:00

I am struck by the parallels between Gestalt and NVC. Both start with description. In Gestalt you cannot see that someone is happy you can only describe their physical features and describe what 'is'. You must accept they may be happy, sad or something else and if you want to know which then you must ask them. There can be no judgement. In NVC there is non judgemental observation and description of what is taking place in a situation. In both approaches this one step is immensely powerful to help relationships between people.
In Gestalt there is scanning of yourself to notice your sensing, meaning making, intuition and emotions. Noticing the distinctions of each brings richness to the experience you are having and gives insight for any situation you are in. NVC considers what we feel in relation to what we observe and again applies non judgemental description. Insight arises from what our feelings are telling us through this form of description. Both approaches bring the power of recognising what our emotions are telling us.
NVC then moves to understand what needs are creating our feelings. Gestalt works hard to help someone describe very precisely what they want.. Sounds easy but it is often surprising what we find out when we look closely at this question. Wars are started, relationships broken and extreme violence often occur around misunderstandings of wants, desires and needs. Immense healing is available with powerful use of this process.
The final move in NVC is in the request we make to enrich our lives. Built from none judgmental descriptions of observation, feeling and wants there is always a request that can be constructed that is nonviolent in nature and positively moves the world forward. In Gestalt seeking to complete what is incomplete is a possible parallel. Helping people finish the most troubling piece of unfinished business enables people to grow and move on to something new.
Thanks to Dorothy for drawing me in to explore NVC. I welcome thoughts from others on these powerful ways of being in the world.

Reflections on Gestalt - Change

2009-12-02T04:24:00.001-08:00

Arnold Beisser wrote an article in 1970 entitled ‘The Paradoxical
Theory of Change’. In it he stated ‘that change occurs when one
becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not’. It
is paradoxical in the sense that a person can change and start to
become something he is not only when he truly knows what he is. It is
a lynchpin of the Gestalt approach and one of the clearest
descriptions of an idea originally set out by Fritz Perls.
I will here reflect on what this means in a coaching relationship and
invite you to add your own thoughts. An individual who seeks coaching
will often state their requirement as a need to change for some
reason. It could be to work better with colleagues, gain a promotion
or take a new direction in what they do. The role of the coach is to
help the individual achieve the change he wants. The Paradoxical
Theory of Change tells us that the most powerful way to do this is to
help him describe exactly where he is now. By doing so the client
gains insight and understanding about the attributes and
characteristics he currently exhibits and begins to see how these
might get in the way of the change he wants. In many Gestalt coaching
sessions a client will begin to realise that many of the obstacles to
the progress he wants are present within who and what he is at that
moment. When this occurs it is a great and helpful discovery as the
client can be shown that he has control over changing things that are
going on inside him. In fact he has much more control over this than
he has over the often originally perceived idea that it is something
or someone else that is getting in the way.
The other aspect of interest in this theory is the constant flipping
of the client between a state he ‘should’ be in and the state he ‘is’
in. Invariably the client is in neither state but hangs somewhere in
between. Making the shift to a clear description of what ‘is’ will
give the client a powerful grounding from which he can then consider
changing.
Finally it is noticeable that the ‘problem’ or ‘need for change’ cited
by the client up front is often not the most important thing to fix
for the growth and development of the client. It is always related to
where the client actually is in that moment. The role of the coach is
to help him describe this in as much rich detail as is possible.
What thoughts does this prompt for you?

Reflections on Being

2009-12-02T02:32:00.000-08:00

It is so easy to write the word 'being'. And yet there is so much wrapped up in this short arrangement of letters. On one level it is one of the most complex ideas around. On another it is the simplest. We are 'being' all the time we are alive. What could be easier than that? It is as we dig deeper and start to describe it that the mystery begins. Consider the difference between being a plant and being a person. How would you describe that difference? The plant comes in to existence, grows, responds to the environment, reproduces, lives and dies. It is certainly aware but how much consciousness does it have? We know it is aware because it responds to light and dark, to hot and cold and to wet and dry. Is this response just a reflex or is there some consciousness involved? How would you distinguish between a reflex and a conscious response? Most people will opt for the reflex idea but will have difficulty explaining why this is so. At the other extreme we have human awareness and consciousness. People will generally say they have volition and a conscious filter where choice takes place after awareness. We believe that we choose our responses to the world. But do we? There is now evidence in neuroscience to show us that prior to the conscious decision to take an action the choice has already been made in the preconscious processes of the brain. Some neuroscientists now believe that consciousness is nothing more than a post event rationalisation of what took place. Its use is to create a memory for use by our internal cognitive reflex responses in some future situation. An extreme position on human beings is that they are a stimulus reflex response organism in just the same way a plant is. The difference is the level of sophistication of the machinery doing the pre reflex work. Or perhaps a plant has more consciousness than we think. It could be that enlightenment in meditation is when we achieve the level of awareness of a plant. Being is so simple if we let ourselves just be. What do you think?